miércoles, 15 de febrero de 2017

America First, Villena Second

Seguramente estaréis ya al tanto, si no hasta las narices, de los vídeos surgidos a partir del "America first, the netherlands second", que se ha extendido a través de la red tras la campaña de varios programas de late night europeos. Un mensajico directo a Trump.

Pues bien. Como somos unos cutres (o unos vagos) no tenemos, por no tener, ni canal en Youtube. Por eso os dejamos nuestra propia versión por escrito. En inglés nivel de la ESO, para que todo el mundo lo pille. Bueno, básicamente el nivel de Trump. Por eso os suplicamos que os lo leáis pensando en el tono, acento y la cadencia de discurso pasotista del nuevo presidente norteamericano.

Por último animamos a gente más válida, como Santi de Villena Cuéntame, los majetes de las Runas de Hefesto o los bonicos de La Revoltosa y Villena Today a que se atrevan a hacer un vídeo, o su propia versión. Es más, os retamos a ver si lográis sacar algo más decente que esta chorrada. Ahí queda tirao el guante.

Por cierto. Ya quisiera Trump tener el sex appeal de nuestros repors.
Tiembla Melania. Aquí tenemos al Soli.

This is a message from the government of... Well... From the City Council of Villena.

Dear Mr. President. Welcome to this introduction "video" about the city of Villena. Villena is a beatiful little city in the best corner of the province of Alicante, Spain. Yes, Spain, that country that is NOT Mexico. We have a huuuuuge historical past! Totally amazing.

You love gold. Villena has gold. A lot of ancient gold. Our ancestors used to eat with dishes made of gold and silver. Terrible. We also used to have a wall, a great wall. A great medieval wall. No Mexicans allowed. It's true. And we made Muslims built it. Yeah. Muslims. And we made an aragonese king paid it. I promise.

We also have our own Grand Canyon of the Colorado River. Trust me. We call it "Acequia del Rey". Yes. "Rey" means King in spanish. We made the King pay everything. Total looooser.

In Villena you, Mr. President, will find an awesome castle. Some will tell you that it was built by Moors, terrorists Moors. But this is all a big bullshit. And we also had a Prince. So amazing. You would have loved it. He used to annoy all the peninsular Kingdoms. Fooling them, fighting them anytime he wanted, and writing his own version of the history. Your best friend ever. But you may also prefer our Marquis, a true liar, speculator and conspirator. A good boy.  

A long time ago we massacred very racially local Moors and Jews in a rebellion. In the name of freedom, to make Villena great again. True story. By the way, I forgot to say that in Villena we only have two seasons: Festival time and No Festival time. Total disaster. Like Medieval fairs, with castles, churches, swords, witches burned at the stake, tourists. You know. All this old stuff. Yes. Witches. Like Hillary.

We are also a very usefull military N.A.T.O. ally. You should watch on parade our amazing army. It's huge! It's tremendous! More than 11,000 soldiers armed with spears, axes, arquebuses, peacock fans, fake guns with silly flags, spoons. Yes. Spoons. It's fantastic. And a lot of musicians. Millions. Totally epic.

This is very important, Donald. These guys are not real Muslisms. Fake Muslims.

You will enjoy with our Students, Andalusians, although we are not Andalusians, Pirates. Everything very medieval. You are going to love the Pirates. They are like you. Crazy.

Americans, you may have hamburguers, but we have "gachamiga". You say "In God we trust", we say "Día 4 Que Fuera". You pronounce it "Vilhenna", we pronunce it "Biyenah". Guns makes you crazy, the lack of production of "Katakí" makes we REALLY crazy. Total disaster.

We totally understand that it's going to be America first. But could we just say Villena second?

Hey. Donald, Bro. Just wait a second. If you wanna destroy Villena anyways, this is how it looks like on the map:

I promise.

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